w h e n t h e s t r i p t u r n s p i n k [open to dorm mates & Gerard]

It was a cold day outside when Saffron stormed into the Junior girls' bathroom, cheeks flushed pink with anxious anticipation and just plain freezing-ness. She half shrugged, half threw her coat off and tossed it onto the tile floor. A little box was in her hands. It was thin and long and scary... except... not. But it was... ugh, confusing...

She read the directions on the box, then went inside a stall, read them again... one more time... deep breath... and it was time to test. Was she pregnant? She was about to find out. A little over a minute later she was hurling into the porcelain pot.

Her eyes fell down to the little piece of plastic still in one hand, and the thin little pink strip stared back at her.

"Oh my God..." Collapsing against the stall wall, she pulled her cell phone from her unzipped jeans' pocket and began to press trembling fingers to the keys. She never texted. She liked voices, preferred to be heard rather than read. And besides, her voice would have been way too shaky. She couldn't have... She couldn't even believe this was happening. It was... unbelievable.



Wait... what was she doing? What was she going to do? She was pregnant. Oh God, that sounded horrible! She wasn't even seventeen yet! She couldn't be pregnant! And she'd been on birth control! No... no, no, no! She set down her cell phone and scramble over to the box to find the other test. It was wrong, it had to be. She'd try again- there were two tests... She pulled out the next one, and tested, beseeching the heavens not to pinken the little strip this time, but... when she lifted it...



Her pants zipped, cell phone sending the message... Saffron pulled herself together enough to hide the evidence under her bed until Gerard would come and sit down beside with only a half-petrified look on her face.

When Gerard had got the text, he had just been come out the shower, towel wrapped around his hips. He'd spent some time in the gym (which had been pretty much abandoned over since the ski trip, since everyone had been incredibly active over that week), and was just gettijng rid of the sweat. His face had contorted into a frown when he'd read the name, Saffie never sent texts. Never. That was why it confused him so much.

He choked on a breath when he read the text, and had immediately flung himself into action. He pulled on the first pair of pants he found lying around (thankfully jeans, not pajama pants or anything embarrassing like that), deciding to forget the shirt, instead just grabbing a hoody off the chair, pulling his arms through the sleeves.

Feet pounded on the floor, and he was sure he'd forgotten to pick something up- like his shoes, he found when he stepped on a sharp bit. Wincing, his pace slowed until he reached the door of Saffie's dorm, and knocked, slightly out of breath.

"Hey, Saff? Sweetheart?"

The door clicked open of it's own accord, and Gerard pushed on it, peering round the door. The look on her face... Well, he couldn't really describe it, but it wasn't the look of someone whose family just died (though in Saffie's case, maybe it would, as she'd be forced to attend the funeral complete with relatives she hated). It was terrified, Gerard decided, as he pushed further into the room, wrapping his arms round her and making quiet shushing noises.

"So what's wrong, love?"

He kept her wrapped in his arms, pressing gentle kisses to her head. Even though she hadn't been crying when he entered the room, he got the feeling that at some point she would. That feeling was a bad one, but Gerard still held her, breathing deeply.

Saffron had always been pretty okay at masking her emotions, but fear- fear- and shock, for that matter, those were really hard. She didn't mean to look quite so terrified and throw Gerard into a frenzy, it just happened... kind of like... other things just happened. And now... well, now Saffron didn't even know what was going to happen... she was completely clueless, like a bird with a clipped wing. She felt like just days ago, just before New Years, she'd been able to fly, perfectly, with the wind wherever she wanted and now... she was stuck on the ground with two useless wings.

She was so thankful when Gerard came in and wrapped his arms around her; he just felt so right against her, everything he did, and said, and was, it was just so right. Somehow his shushes made her cry, and she wondered in a frightening moment how he might react to this news. It was... she was... what if he...? She brought her arms up around him and twisted her fingers in his hair. Her chin resting on his shoulder, she looked down at the carpet and spoke softly,

"Remember when you told me that you loved me, Gerard? I do and... I'm sorry I didn't answer..." she broke off into shudders of tears that ended when she bit her bottom lip and forced them to. "No matter what happened, you'd feel that way about me?" She pulled herself back so she could look him in the eyes. The tip of her nose touched the tip of his for a moment. "Honestly?"

Sensing the tears, Gerard just pulled her tighter into the hug. He barely felt the fingers that weaved into his hair, and he rubbed softly at her back.

"I remember. I still mean it."

The panic in him was starting to rise. Why would Saffron be asking this? Was something terribly wrong? Even so, he fought to keep himself appearing calm.

"No matter what. I mean that part love."

He kept his eyes fixed with Saffie's, even wrinkling his nose slightly after they touched, twitching it in a failed attempt at humour in the moment. He couldn't bear these tears, he just wanted to fix it, make it right. He wanted everything to be right.

"What... what's wrong?"

For a moment, he let the panic sear through his eyes, the worry, and then he bit the inside of his lips, his eyes closing for a moment, before he opened his eyes again, and they were blank. He liked being able to do that. He hoped it would shelter Saffron from his worry.

Okay. It was time to stop crying now. Saffron was realizing slowly that this whole thing was going to mean a lot more than just a pink strip. It'd be affecting her for way longer than nine months... well... if she... if they? kept the baby... but how could they not? She shook her head, no need to get too indepth with these thoughts before Gerard even knew what was going on. He'd be able to make this all better- he was always able to. They'd gone through too much to fall apart now... especially now.

"Nothing. Nothing is wrong... necessarily..." she sighed and brought her eyes up to meet Gerard's. There was a frightening moment of panic and she caught her breath before- nothing. Blank. "I'm pregnant," she whispered, her voice wavering. She let the words sink in a moment, searching every feature of his face for a clue as to how he was going to take it.

Was it possible that Gerard couldn't handle this particular problem? Was it possible they'd not make it through this? Could she handle that if it happened? Could she go through with a pregnancy? Now she set into autopilot panic mode.

"I don't know how it could have happened- of course I was on birth control effing, birth control, but I just have to be the special da-- case all the time, the like .01% of women who end up getting pregnant on birth control... I didn't- I wouldn't..." she gripped his hands with an iron grasp, holding on, afraid he'd let go.

From one moment to the next, his mind first raced forwards, halted, and went skidding back. Pregnant? Well... Pregnant? Panic set in, proper, deep-rooted panic. How could she be? With wide eyes fixed on Saffie's, he whimpered slightly under his breath. He was sure the colour drained out of his face.

"What... How...?"

Unfinished sentences were all that were needed for Gerard to make up his mind. His heart rate was rocketing, like one's heart rate did when you were terrified. He kept his eyes on Saffie, willing her to understand, not to be upset by this.

"Damn, Saffie, I don't know if I... I think I..."

Swallowing, he took a moment to collect himself, eyes wide and rather fearful. He attempted to even out his shaky breathing, closing his eyes momentarily. When he opened them again, he let out a long breath, trying to fix his bearings.

"I don't think... Saff, I need to get out of here, like now. I can't deal with it at the moment. Shit..."

He looked away and back again, attempting to pull his hands back.

"I love you, but... I need time. I really do."

Oh, so now he was choosing the cowardly thing, the cowards way out. What kind of man was he? A voice in his head supplied a boy rather unhelpfully, but he was going to go with that at the moment. He couldn't deal. He really couldn't.

No. The tears began to sting at her eyes, hot tears coming forth faster and faster with every passing broken word Gerard uttered. How? Well, f---... in fact... that's freaking how!!! He didn't... didn't know? Didn't know what? Couldn't deal? How did he think she was doing? Obviously not fine and dandy! She didn't expect him to know... didn't expect him to be happy... but... time? How much time? How could she expect... when could she expect... could she expect...?

"No- Gerard..." he was pulling his hands away. Saffron felt her fingers losing their strength. Her whole body was losing strength. She felt all of what little confidence she'd had draining out of her. Then, suddenly, a flash of fury. She was angry. How could Gerard act this way?

"No! Shut up! Shut up, shut up! How the f--- do you think I feel? I'm the one who's going to be blowing up like a f---ing blimp in the next like eight months or so. If I even... if... you can't have time! Do you understand me? There is no time for you to do this. You said you'd love me no matter what- and to go back on your word like this- it's... you can't go..." She sighed heavily, eyebrows furrowed, wiped the tears streaming from her eyes with one hand and looked down at the floor. Something within her willed her to place a hand on her stomach. She couldn't imagine a life being in there... but it was... he or she... was... "If you go... there's no chance of my being able to go through with this..." Did he have any idea what her mother would say? Her father? Her whole freaking family? She'd be ostracized... she'd be hated. How could she go through with a pregnancy that way? Ignorant people who'd not know what pain was attached to the baby would come up to her and ask her stupid questions like "aww, when's he/she due?" "is it a boy or a girl?" "where's the father...?" and she'd have to answer... it always happened to pregnant women... people couldn't just leave them alone. And then how would she take care of him or her? She wasn't even done at Harriman yet!

"If you go now..." she finally said, after a long silence. "Don't even bother coming back. I won't want you." She hoped that hurt. She hoped with all of her being that that stung right down to the very core. She hoped more that he didn't go...

Pausing, Gerard took it all. He knew how much of a coward he was being, but... Had he really not stopped for even a moment to consider what Saffron's reaction would be? Obviously not, because he was suffering consequences already. He winced when Saffron made her ultimatum, but really, he knew she'd never want a coward like him. A few moments passed, where his breathing was shallow, and he could barely hear himself think above the roar of blood in his ears. He took a deep breath, and crossed the room away from the door, but instead towards the window.

"Fuck Saff... I... I don't know what to say."

He exhaled and pushed a hand through his hair. Even if Saffie was talking now, Gerard couldn't hear her as he stared out the window. It was part fogged up, the way windows do on cold days, and he traced a finger on it. The line it left fascinated him in some way, like his mind was trying to desperately focus on anything but the constant pregnantshitshitshit. He was failing miserably at that, and he pressed his head to the window, eyes down and just welcoming the cold as a break from the unkind reality he'd just been thrown into.

"Saff, I don't... I can't... I'll never have the answers. I... God, this is completely fucked up."

Sentences were stumbled over, and Gerard made do with murmuring the last part. He needed a moment, just to sit, be quiet with his thoughts fighting to be heard. He needed... He needed air. The crisp cold air of today. Pulling back, he pushed the window open, breathing in as the icy air hit his lungs.

"I never... I really never thought I'd be a dad... Like ever. I would have never even considered contemplating that... That I'd be a dad when I was a teenager."

He turned his back to the window, to face Saffron. Brown eyes fixed on her, and he fought the urge to bolt. This was terrifying for him, so what was it for Saffie? She was the one carrying the child. She'd get the stigma, not him. He was the lucky one.

At this point, Saffron could barely look at Gerard- or herself, for that matter. She was imagining herself, all bulgy and big and gross. She remembered looking at pictures of her mother when she'd been pregnant with the little prenatal Saffron; she didn't think those thoughts that other girls her age had thought. She didn't think 'awww' 'how cute' 'she's glowing!'. She'd thought 'eww, gross, she's fu--in' fat'. Now she would be too...

Saffron had thought about having kids once or twice before, but never really seriously. It was like... a dream she'd wake up from contently enough- y'know- a maybe, a perhaps, but not- definitely not- a certainty. She'd never told anyone that she wanted children; she'd said she didn't. And definitely, definitely, definitely, not now! Why would this happen to her? How could she even know if she was good enough to be a mother- ever- let alone now? Could she really even love a kid who'd come to her like this? If she were a sixteen year old's daughter, she wouldn't blame her mom for not loving her...

And in all of this... Gerard... sh--, she hadn't even known months ago that the guy liked her and now she was pregnant with his baby. If she'd heard something like that about another girl she'd have been like, 'what a wh---'. Da--, da--, da--. Gerard...

She buried her face in her hands, wet with tears, and tried to soften her sobbing so she could hear Gerard. He hadn't left yet- and that was good sign, right?

"Oh God, Gerard- I don't need you to say anything." She set to wiping the tears on her face away with her sleeve. She heard the window slide up. Was he going to climb out of her window? She looked toward him, and saw him just standing there, breathing. "I know..." she answered softly, picking at the ragged edges of her blanket.

She brought her eyes back up again, to meet his for an instant- and then she looked away, feeling her mouth pull downward and the sensation of a sob tugging in her chest; her head throbbing wasn't making anything any easier...

"I didn't... I mean... I..." she shook her head, unable to get her thoughts together and speak them in any logical order. "I- I'm sorry... I don' know... I don't know what else I can say..." Her mind raced for a solution. "I can get an-" she paused, and burst into tears. This wasn't just her fault- but it was partially her fault- and her responsibility. No matter what- she wasn't going to kill this child.